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I let myself fall in love with you.. ~

I let myself fall
I let myself fall
I let myself fall
In love with you

There's no turning back
There's no turning back
There's no turning back
Since I let myself fall in love with you

Now I picture things
Now I picture things
Wedding gowns and wedding rings
Since I let myself fall in love with you
That song is so beautiful.. >_< I love it. (Rosie Thomas - Let myself fall, btw xd)
Hm.. many things happened the last weeks.
School is going very very fine atm. I understand everything very well and even do math by myself and the most surprising fun is, that it's so much fun to do math.. o_o; Unbelievable! xD
Well, still I got such panicattacks when I see old classmates on the street and it sucks.. -_- But Andrea said, it's still normal.. I should make small steps, one by one, and one day it'll be the day, when I don't have to change the pavement sides, when I see old classmates. I'm sure of it.
It's so nice and relaxing to do all the work with Andrea, really. She is taking so much pressure from me, and we talk about a shitload of stuff. I can't understand, why I still have to go to my psychological doctor thing (called Frau Lewandowski btw.. q.q), dunno what the english word is, sorry, and I'm way too lazy to look it down now.. xD
When Andrea is by my side I can smile smoothly without biting me lips right after, because she gives me the feeling, that I'm "allowed" to be happy, even if this "way of going to school" is strange and doesn't satisfy my parents. x_x
Andrea is really making me happy.
But the person who makes me the happiest is... guess. Right, it's Hendrik. q.q; It's going so well between us atm.. I love him so much, hell I do! >_<
He is telling me, that he loves me every evening (oh well.. at least every second! c.c) and I tell him back, that I love him.
I can't sleep, because I have to think of him and I even lost much weight (yeah yeah.. it's wrong under these circumstances, but still it's kind of a "proof", that I love him, right?)
2 days ago I was rolling around in my bed for like 6h and couldn't get a wink of sleep, 'cause I thought so much about him.., so I wrote a letter. x_x I even sent it to him! I thought I would never do it again, but I did.
And you know what? He is sleeping over at his best friend over the weekend (AGAIN! -_-) and he kind of noticed, that I'm really pissed about it. (Yeah.. I know, it's not right to be pissed 'cause of THIS, but still I am.. I miss him like hell, when he is just 30 mins away. <.<; )
He asked me, if I want to call at his friends.. he will give me his number.. O_O HOW CUTE CAN THAT POSSIBLY BE? >_< bah.. <3
And I really really love his voice and his laughter. c.c
(yeah.. right, I annoy you.. sorry.. xD As you see nothing much happened in this case, just that I just fell more in love with him.)
And it seems like he isn't really often talking to Selen atm.. It makes me secure. <.< Still I often check on her RO names and such, in which Guild she is, what she is doing.
But still the worst part is, that I don't really trust him, when he says he is doing smth in RO with a good friend, Shirona and he is like afk for 3-4h.. I always think, he is going to do smth with Selen. >_> I should change that, and I really really try not to be that distrustful. x.x
But you know what? The beeeest part in this weekend was... I SCAMMED THE HELL OUT OF LIVIN LOL!
He lvled the wiz of Clay, remember? Well, Clay gave me his pw once again and I changed the email adress and the pw and no one, except me, had the acc, and rofl.. Livin had equip on it for like... 100m? xD I'M A RICH ASS. And I don't feel even a bit pity for him, no. I don't. 'Cause Livin is such an asshole. .,.
Yosh flamed me, that I'm just a scamming whore and he was shocked, how many things I put on the line "just" for such items in a game and such.. So he means, I put the friendship between me and him on the line? Should I laugh? We don't talk to each other for like 3-4 month now. ;/ (Yeah, I know I am bitchy, and in that case i'm fucking proud of it, you know? :x)
Enough blahblah, I guess. q.q Wish me good luck, that Hendrik will skype with me today night.
And there he goes.. He is back from sharing with shio. Time for me to go! d:
See ya laterZ, peopleZ. <3
Listening to: Rosie Thomas - Let myself fall
Ivy - Edge of the ocean
25.1.07 22:44

A cup of hot coffee + a cigarette = instant win, when you just slept ~2h and are in a bad mood <3
22.1.07 08:12

Start a love train ~

Yeah.. finally. I write an entry!!!11oneoneeleven .,.

Sorry, that I've been so lazy lately, but weeeell.. nothing much to talk about, u know? Everything as always.

I had a fucking crappy new year. My dad was drunken all the way. YAY! Even at my mom's birthday he was drunken as ever. He even gave her her present, when he drunk too much.. I mean, lol? We wanted to have some dinner on her birthday, like chinese food, and so. Well.. we climbed into our car, he was like crying and said "Daniel said to me, that he will commit suicide.. *cries*".. Why does he say that all of a sudden? Doesn't he know, that my mum is still fucking hurt because my brother comitted suicide? And then he goes like this and talks shit on HER BIRTHDAY? -__- And it's like he want to have pity of everyone, that he is so sick, and that he got so many problems. Well, yeah.. he got problems.. o_O His Alcohol is his problem LOL. -_- He won't get pity from me. Never. He can crawl into a corner and cry all he wants, seriously. 

Well.. as I mentioned earlier in the last entry, my family went to UK at christmas, but I stayed home. :x As you can imagine, my parents weren't that pleased with my decision, but you know what? I fucking enjoyed the time all alone at home. Even if it was christmas, the family thing and such, but I didn't regret my decision to be honest.

With chaos everything is as ever.. I had a breakdown not so long ago (about 2 weeks?) and he finally said smth about that "make a decision thing"... He won't break up with Alice, and I knew it all the way,.. but I said it's "okay" with me, I just want to stay by his side, have fun with him, want to know everything about him and I begged, that he comes to me, when he got problems or smth.. even if it's about Alice.

 As you can imagine, it's not THAT easy for me, you know? I often cry, and i'm very hurt inside.. but still, I love him. <_< I know, it's the wrong decision to stay by his side, letting him do, what he wants, I would be better off to find a new guy, who knows what I am and so on, but still.. I love him, that's all. And unfortunetaly, nothign can change that at the moment.

I met a guy in RO, in pvp, Fear. He is very kind and we talked alot, even though we only know us for 4-5 days now. I like him alot.. q.q He is a good friend. And you know what? chaos was fucking jealous last night, because he heard me typing (yeah, we are like all day long in skype and so.. <3 xD) and he went like "wtf does Fear want again? .,."

I know it's bitchy, and please don't think that I use Fear for making chaos jealous, he is really a good friend already, but when chaos was jealous like this, I had to smile and thought "omg, how cute.. >_<;"

Well.. as you can see, nothing new happened the last days.

School is probably starting next week for me, and I'm really looking forward to it. c.c

AND! I found my new-old obsession again. Photoshop. <3

In Ragnarok Online I just stand around with my Alchemist and let my Homunculus do all the job.. xD Nearly lvl 70. Go for Elven Ears! q.q

So.. that should do it for first.

See you next time. <3

Listening to : Yuki Kajiura - Chase

(I fucking made my comp new yesterday, and I got like only 6 songs on it.. HELL GIEV MUSIC! Q_Q) 

11.1.07 16:47

Entry coming soon.. I promise.
9.1.07 07:00

Underneath the smoking around ~

Finally.. an entry again. >_> Yeah.. I know, I'm very very lazy.

Everything is kind of fucked up, like always.. except the fact, that me and Hendrik are like in Skype every fucking day, and laughing our asses off... I love him, really.

Well... Familydilemma goes on like "normal".

My mum sits in the kitchen and cries right now.. Wait before you ask "Why aren't you at her side?" - Well, because I am and always will be at her side, but even MY nerves go blank from time to time.

My dad is down in the basement again.. guess, what he is doing.. Yes, right, he is drunk. <3~ I love it.

Next week, on thursday, we are going to fly to great britain to my sis, but you know what? I'm NOT so in the mood to go.. If I could do, what I want, I would stay at home and enjoy the silence. I even spoke to my psychologic thingy about it and she said, it would be interesting. Hell, I want to try it.. >_< Actually I would like to try it on another holiday.. not like Christmas. It's a familything and so on, but my family is like NEVER on holidays.. >_> that sucks bad.

Anyway. Everything sucks.

Still the things between me and Hendrik aren't cleared out, but I'm to tired to talk about it atm.. it's just "too" much. I enjoy the time we have right now. And it's really nice, and dare you to destroy it, Selen. -_-

Once, when I spoke to him about it once again, he still couldn't make a decision and the pressure became so strong.. can't really explain it. Well,.. what is ri doing, when the pressure is too strong? Right, she cuts herself. And so did I.. I couldn't really see much between all the tears ( swt.. sorry for selfpity, when you think I'm selfpitying myself >_>.. ) and well... I hit the artery on accident. -_- Nothing much, but still I lost loads of blood, but fortunately I could hide it from my parents. X_X

well, enough whining.. I hope I write an entry before I'm going to great britain. Still, I won't promise it. xD



Btw.. Natalie Imbruglia - Smoke ftw.. Q_Q

and.. one thing

,-----, ! 

16.12.06 13:53

Midday Snow

So... once again i didn't write for a really really long time... Sorry, 'bout that. ^^;

Well, tbh, it didn't happen much.. or hm, if i think about it, something DID happen, many good and many bad things.. but hm.. eh.. w/e. xD

I have the "permission from the state" that i can have some school material at home and study at home and do some "exams" somewhere else sometimes.. it rocks! xD I have to take it until next year at summer, 'cause then i don't have to go to school anymore.. "school duty" or smth.

So... I issued an ultimatum for chaos.. this wednesday he has to make a decision.. if he can't i will "go". And if he will decide for Alice i will "go" as well.. i don't want to have contact with him when he decides against me, 'cause it's so painful to just "hang" on.. it's not a matter about "the will", it's more like "i can't do it anymore..". My body is breaking, and my mind as well.. so.

Btw! I skyped with him 2 days ago.. it was so... lovely. q.q I couldn't sleep because i was so excited and played his voice over and over again in my head. I'm addicted.. i know. -_-

And well.. i had a fight with someone again. Like always.. I don't have the energy for all that ups and downs again, and always i am guilty. Kiss my ass? ;d It's enough that my family is always blaming me and that i have the feeling that i'm unloved 'cause of the things I'M DOING. -_- The anxiety is growing bigger and bigger to be with people I love.. like friends or family, 'cause i feel so fucking bad about that school thing. <_< Well. w/e.

So that's all for today folks. I hope u learned smth new.. and remember,.. fuck a shy laplander! <3 

Listening to: Maaya Sakamoto - Midday Snow 

2.12.06 20:10

Fck Marshall.

Heya folks! D:

How are you doing? .. Me? I'm fine.. at the moment. Cried my heart out yesterday again, 'cause of chaos (what else? >: )

Things are going... fine so far. At home it became kinda silent. We just shaddup about the problems, because we talked soo much about them. - -" Well, i think it's a good thing, that we don't talk about it.. q.q u see what i mean?

Still i'm deeply in love with chaos and i can't change it... akjshdsuidguid. Yesterday i said to myself "give him up, there is so sense" - but honestly, what would change? We would talk as much as we do now, we would hang up together as much as we do now..riiiight, nothing would change, and i can't deny my feelings, or "delete" them this way.

He is always saying, that i still got a chance to reach him, but u know.. I lost hope, nearly completely. Maybe I'm just running after illusions once again.. ehehe -_- Who knows?

Well so far.

Atm i'm listening 24/7 to Eminem & D12 - My Band.. >_> chaos got me addicted to it. ;_;

So, that's it.

And keep in mind,... fuck marshall! D:

25.11.06 13:20

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