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Another head hangs lowly,
Child is slowly taken.
And the violence caused such silence,
Who are we mistaken?

But you see, it's not me, it's not my family.
In your head, in your head they are fighting,
With their tanks and their bombs,
And their bombs and their guns.
In your head, in your head, they are crying

In your head, in your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie,
Hey, hey, hey. What's in your head,
In your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, oh, dou, dou, dou, dou, dou

Another mother's breakin',
Heart is taking over.
When the vi'lence causes silence,
We must be mistaken.

It's the same old theme since nineteen-sixteen.
In your head, in your head they're still fighting,
With their tanks and their bombs,
And their bombs and their guns.
In your head, in your head, they are dying

In your head, in your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie,
Hey, hey, hey. What's in your head,
In your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, oh, oh, oh,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, hey, oh, ya, ya-a
20.11.06 21:07

Break my bones.

Seems like I messed up.

Yesterday I spent the whole day with chaos. And the pressure became so much stronger. I always had that fucking thought of Alice in my very last corcner of my head.. always coming up from time to time. So... I asked for a decision from him. Well, then my dad turned the internet down, hooray! (sorry that i couldn't say good night properly, Kat ._.) My cellphone got no money.. so I scammed the one from my dad. I'm so sick of it, when he turns the internet down in such a important conversation. -_- I asked chaos per textmessaging, if it would change, if I still give him a bit of time. And guess what he said.. He can't choose between me and Alice. Hooray!² So,.. all these words and things were a lie? Seems like this fucking feeling of paranoia was eligible. -_- Well, whatever.. Tbh, I can't go on without him... at the moment. I'm hanging on on him, that's for sure, and I will always wait for a decision and I will always know that he will talk to her, even if he is together with me.. Still I got a bit of hope. He GOT feelings for me, that's for sure,.. that's what he said at least, and he said also in the textmessage, that u can't describe it as love.. "not yet". That keeps me going. Hell I need Maria.. to talk. >_< I cired my heart out the last night. .,.

Enough whining. 


19.11.06 13:03

Goodbye, so long. Nice try, I’m gone.

Heya folks.

Sorry, that I didn’t write for so long,… I owe u an entry, don’t t I? >_<

Many things happened.. and my life is fucked up, yet again. :p Still it’s really “smooth” nowadays. >_> When u look back at the others days…

Well. To put it simply (and I bet, u know it already anyway :x), I have problems with school again. I wonder how long I’m struggling around with it… 5 years now?

But that’s not the only problem I have atm.

Yes, the love.. always complicated and stressing myself out.

Things are going “okay”, with me and chaos. I told him about my problematique and well… since then it’s.. standing still and somehow it feels like he goes on distance.. Yesterday I talked a bit with him about it, and I said “we’re only talking about the sunny side of life”, that’s true, and maybe I was a bit harsh. (and hell.. I’m expecting so much from ppl, who I love -_- hating myself for it) All he said was “maybe I don’t want to talk about other things? Like ur problems?” and that pinched me so hard in the face. I feel so guilty for that. >_> And yeah, he doesn’t want to talk about it, isn’t that normal? It’s too much for a “normal human being” (*coughs* sorry.. still it is too much). I totally understand it,.. he needs time, and I’m struggling for sleep the last days. Don’t want to selfpity me, but I haven’t sept well in days. xD I wrote a text mail this last night. I asked him, if he wants to go on distance, ‘cause it’s all troubled up at the fucking moment. And he said “Let’s talk tomorrow about it,.. it’s gay via textmessage” – True, but still, I couldn’t sleep.. >_< Maybe it is really too much for him, and I can really, really, really understand it, but still, it will break my heart so hard again. (I hate falling in love.. c.c) And I’m feeling so paranoia, anyways. Still Clay left me of my heavy problematique, ‘cause it was a heavy burden to him. Normal,.. isn’t it?

Well, still I can’t deny my feelings for him, and maybe I’m really falling in love too EASILY, the feelings are true, darn it. c.c

Well, that’s all up in my head now.. always chaos, chaos, and once again chaos. It feels right for the first time again. I didn’t feel that … how can I describe it.. so, well “secure” ? “Sure” ? in years (2 ½ years in fact.. xD). And I don’t want him to leave.. ;_;

I hope things will settle down and everything..

That’s all, I guess.

Sorry, if u are disappointed in my entries, or smth like that. Just a second ago my head was plopped out for like 948474894 ideas to put in that entry, but right now I feel so exhausted.. to think about all the things, that are haunting me atm.

So far…



Listening to: SR-71 – Goodbye, 30 seconds to Mars – the Kill, SR-71 – They all fall down, Cary Brothers – Blue eyes

16.11.06 18:46


To put it simply.. no time to write an entry.. so wait up for me. <3 

10.11.06 16:46

.. until I get my satisfaction.

*sigh* Yesterday was so fucked up.. really >_> I had this strange meeting for a "supervision" (= means smth like "under observation" ) .

They wanted me to tell my whole lifestory again.. and OFC i started crying.. a lot. >_> and i was found out, that i cut my arms again. .,. I slept 3h~ after that.. o_O Must made me very tired. They want to search for a possibility, that i can study home.. swt. My mom won't allow it. xD

The things with chaos are.. strange and kind of hopeless.. q_Q

I confessed my love on sunday (his birthday.. xD) and well.. since then he even became more soft in front of me, but still he has a girlfriend and still she knows, that i bought a devi hat for him, she's REALLY pissed. :x still.. i'm kind of happy.

U know, i kinda regret, that i confessed. I put him under so much pressure, .. he knows, he has to make a choice, and that kind of sucks, u know? X_X I didn't mean any harm.. ^^; and he got many problems with alice (his gf) lately.. *sighs again*

Well.. school was okay today. Wrote an exam in german. Was easy.. *very snotnosed*.. xD sorry, but german isn't really a problem for me. ^^;

And lol, i went to school with a full packet of cigarettes and came back with like... 6? -_- I share too much, really.

Well.. enuf for today. <3

Wish me luck, that chaos can share with me soon. ><


7.11.06 15:32

It'll fuck ur head >:

Heya folks!

How are u doing? I'm perfectly fine. <3 (despite, that i have some strange stomaches.. xD must be the alcohol.. well that's the topic..)

Alcohol: Yeah, ri drank alcohol... she was nearly drunk. Can u believe it? From normal beer to vodka and the other way around, she drank totally everything.. and it's hawks fault! >:

I had really much fun, but i kinda missed chaos like hell and i often found myself thinking of him... nearly all the time -_- Had to bite my lips so often, that i won't talk about him all day and night. (Current status of cellphone: 7,56€... and i bought a new moneycard at tuesday .,. )

We watched the hills have eyes.. and ppl, DUN watch that fucking movie. It's SO gross... blood everywhere. xD"

I will hate hawk for one thing forever... he sprayed so much fucking shit over me of his fucking shitty AXE deodorant.. >_> i still stink.. xD (dun like that smell so much, as u see q.q)

We decided to go to movieworld next year at helloween. <3 Maybe i drive to sul with hawk together next year, but he is worried, that he won't get sex for one week then.. :p bad luck for him.. >:

We really ate well... always "POMMES FRITTES" with mayonaise and so on.. xD yummy!


Well~ maybe i edit it later, and tell u more about it,.. but not in the mood today.. c.c'


<3 chaos... u_u (he is turning 19 in 1 1/2h.. .,.)

4.11.06 22:23

I just want you to know that i miss you, i miss you so~

Well, yeah. That's kind of my fucking 58709595757th blog, but w/e. i felt like it and i looove the name. <3


Everything is going so smoothly atm. That kinda scares me.. q.q

I have fun in school (plus, it's very easy ... xD), have a reason to wake up in the morning and go up against my anxieties. <3

Yesterday i met with hawk and sul (also known as Maria and Marcus). it was sooo much fun, really. At first i was like "...mhm.. =_=" and absolutely tight-lipped but from time to time i gained more trust and laughed so often. >_< I just have to stare at Marcus and i go like "ROFL" >_> Don't ask me why..

We went to the cinema (after my mum and me finally found the way to Marl Mitte... that @=!/"/§ city, really. It's so big. amazing.), had fun at burger king and maria and me got annoyed from marcus 'cause he was always asking "what are we going to do nooow~ ?" xD And hell, i luv the to ride the train.. <3 it's so.. dreamy. q.q

I sleep over at hawk's from friday and saturday. It'll be fun for sure. xD

Only thing that annoys me alot atm is, that i got a fuckin' cold, and even had fever in the morning today. I mean, wtf? I NEVER get fever. .,. I hate Germany.. at first it's so sunny and nice, and then it's so cold, that u have to be afraid that ur fingers won't fall off.. >_>

 Well, despite that, i'm really really happy.. and i'm afraid i've fallen in love again -_- (ya, i know, that i fall in love easily, okay? But it's not like that even a bloody damn glimp of feeling was fake at all.. .,.)

 Well, see u tomorrow , or smth. q_Q

The chemicals between us
The walls that lie between us
Lying in this bed
The chemicals displaced
There is no lonlier place
Than lying in this bed
I want you to remember
Everything you said
Every driven word
Like a hammer, hell, to my head

2.11.06 19:07

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