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Midday Snow

So... once again i didn't write for a really really long time... Sorry, 'bout that. ^^;

Well, tbh, it didn't happen much.. or hm, if i think about it, something DID happen, many good and many bad things.. but hm.. eh.. w/e. xD

I have the "permission from the state" that i can have some school material at home and study at home and do some "exams" somewhere else sometimes.. it rocks! xD I have to take it until next year at summer, 'cause then i don't have to go to school anymore.. "school duty" or smth.

So... I issued an ultimatum for chaos.. this wednesday he has to make a decision.. if he can't i will "go". And if he will decide for Alice i will "go" as well.. i don't want to have contact with him when he decides against me, 'cause it's so painful to just "hang" on.. it's not a matter about "the will", it's more like "i can't do it anymore..". My body is breaking, and my mind as well.. so.

Btw! I skyped with him 2 days ago.. it was so... lovely. q.q I couldn't sleep because i was so excited and played his voice over and over again in my head. I'm addicted.. i know. -_-

And well.. i had a fight with someone again. Like always.. I don't have the energy for all that ups and downs again, and always i am guilty. Kiss my ass? ;d It's enough that my family is always blaming me and that i have the feeling that i'm unloved 'cause of the things I'M DOING. -_- The anxiety is growing bigger and bigger to be with people I love.. like friends or family, 'cause i feel so fucking bad about that school thing. <_< Well. w/e.

So that's all for today folks. I hope u learned smth new.. and remember,.. fuck a shy laplander! <3 

Listening to: Maaya Sakamoto - Midday Snow 

2.12.06 20:10

Underneath the smoking around ~

Finally.. an entry again. >_> Yeah.. I know, I'm very very lazy.

Everything is kind of fucked up, like always.. except the fact, that me and Hendrik are like in Skype every fucking day, and laughing our asses off... I love him, really.

Well... Familydilemma goes on like "normal".

My mum sits in the kitchen and cries right now.. Wait before you ask "Why aren't you at her side?" - Well, because I am and always will be at her side, but even MY nerves go blank from time to time.

My dad is down in the basement again.. guess, what he is doing.. Yes, right, he is drunk. <3~ I love it.

Next week, on thursday, we are going to fly to great britain to my sis, but you know what? I'm NOT so in the mood to go.. If I could do, what I want, I would stay at home and enjoy the silence. I even spoke to my psychologic thingy about it and she said, it would be interesting. Hell, I want to try it.. >_< Actually I would like to try it on another holiday.. not like Christmas. It's a familything and so on, but my family is like NEVER on holidays.. >_> that sucks bad.

Anyway. Everything sucks.

Still the things between me and Hendrik aren't cleared out, but I'm to tired to talk about it atm.. it's just "too" much. I enjoy the time we have right now. And it's really nice, and dare you to destroy it, Selen. -_-

Once, when I spoke to him about it once again, he still couldn't make a decision and the pressure became so strong.. can't really explain it. Well,.. what is ri doing, when the pressure is too strong? Right, she cuts herself. And so did I.. I couldn't really see much between all the tears ( swt.. sorry for selfpity, when you think I'm selfpitying myself >_>.. ) and well... I hit the artery on accident. -_- Nothing much, but still I lost loads of blood, but fortunately I could hide it from my parents. X_X

well, enough whining.. I hope I write an entry before I'm going to great britain. Still, I won't promise it. xD



Btw.. Natalie Imbruglia - Smoke ftw.. Q_Q

and.. one thing

,-----, ! 

16.12.06 13:53


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