Sorry, that I didn’t write for so long,… I owe u an entry, don’t t I? >_<
Many things happened.. and my life is fucked up, yet again. :p Still it’s really “smooth” nowadays. >_> When u look back at the others days…
Well. To put it simply (and I bet, u know it already anyway :x), I have problems with school again. I wonder how long I’m struggling around with it… 5 years now?
But that’s not the only problem I have atm.
Yes, the love.. always complicated and stressing myself out.
Things are going “okay”, with me and chaos. I told him about my problematique and well… since then it’s.. standing still and somehow it feels like he goes on distance.. Yesterday I talked a bit with him about it, and I said “we’re only talking about the sunny side of life”, that’s true, and maybe I was a bit harsh. (and hell.. I’m expecting so much from ppl, who I love -_- hating myself for it) All he said was “maybe I don’t want to talk about other things? Like ur problems?” and that pinched me so hard in the face. I feel so guilty for that. >_> And yeah, he doesn’t want to talk about it, isn’t that normal? It’s too much for a “normal human being” (*coughs* sorry.. still it is too much). I totally understand it,.. he needs time, and I’m struggling for sleep the last days. Don’t want to selfpity me, but I haven’t sept well in days. xD I wrote a text mail this last night. I asked him, if he wants to go on distance, ‘cause it’s all troubled up at the fucking moment. And he said “Let’s talk tomorrow about it,.. it’s gay via textmessage” – True, but still, I couldn’t sleep.. >_< Maybe it is really too much for him, and I can really, really, really understand it, but still, it will break my heart so hard again. (I hate falling in love.. c.c) And I’m feeling so paranoia, anyways. Still Clay left me of my heavy problematique, ‘cause it was a heavy burden to him. Normal,.. isn’t it?
Well, still I can’t deny my feelings for him, and maybe I’m really falling in love too EASILY, the feelings are true, darn it. c.c
Well, that’s all up in my head now.. always chaos, chaos, and once again chaos. It feels right for the first time again. I didn’t feel that … how can I describe it.. so, well “secure” ? “Sure” ? in years (2 ½ years in fact.. xD). And I don’t want him to leave.. ;_;
I hope things will settle down and everything..
That’s all, I guess.
Sorry, if u are disappointed in my entries, or smth like that. Just a second ago my head was plopped out for like 948474894 ideas to put in that entry, but right now I feel so exhausted.. to think about all the things, that are haunting me atm.
Listening to: SR-71 – Goodbye, 30 seconds to Mars – the Kill, SR-71 – They all fall down, Cary Brothers – Blue eyes